Dead As I'll Never Be
by XLoneAssassinX13
Summary: Deadpool comes across a young girl while in a mission and invites her to stay with him. Against all prior knowledge to Deadpool's behavior, he begins slowly realising how comfortable he is around her and opens up. Well as much Deadpool can.
1. I'm trying

I am sooooo sorry for the wait on the update. I had a lot of crap happening so I had basically no free time. BUT I plan on updating weekly now that I have more free time. To Laughing Jill: Cool name, and thanks. Like I said I'll update tonight and weekly after. To (the guests): glad it's cute and you like it, can't wait to write more! ~Love, Your Friendly Neighborhood Assassin~ 


	2. Chapter 1

"You know who else is dead?" He yelled, "Not me!" Deadpool ran down the hallway shooting, laughing and shouting witty catchphrases. As he neared the door to the office that was currently occupied by a Neal McLaughlin (some dude he was sent to kill), he saw the big guy that blocked it. "Shh..." He giggled as he snuck up behind him and swung his hammers, killing him instantly, "Who dies from hammers? Seriously...?" Just as he reached for the door another guy his size barrelled down the hall after him. Once he was in range he jumped over him and smashed his head. He chuckled and said in his dramatic voice, "In a world where dip-shits get killed by hammers..." He put the hammers back on his back and sauntered- "Hey, chick, I don't saunter. I strut." He stated. This is my fic, man. "Alright, continue." Thank you, he put the hammers back on his back and strutted to the door. Once he got to the handle, he briefly wondered how much protection this guy would have in here. With his regeneration he wouldn't die, but it still hurt like a bitch to get back together. He threw open the door with guns ready and was entirely confused with the scene before him. "...the fuck?" He mumbled. There were at least 17 grown men laying dead in pools of their own blood around the room. Including his target who was flopped over his desk unceremoniously and the culprit of this chaos was the most confusing part. He dropped his arms at the sight of a teen girl standing in the middle of the room wearing black skinny jeans and a black button up with a vest and tie. She was soaked in blood from head to toe and looked like she was either going to cry or vomit, he couldn't tell. "Uh, sup?" He took a step closer. "Who are you?" She asked in a thick cajun accent, not moving or looking at him. "Deadpool's the name." He took a couple steps closer wondering what to do with her. 'Should we kill her?' {no! She's too young! She looks like 16...} 'should...should we bang her?' {NO! SHE'S LIKE 12!} 'right, didn't really wanna.' {maybe we should take her with us?} 'sounds good.' He realised she was looking at him now. She was visibly shaking and she dropped a crumpled playing card. "You...alrigh- oof-" She ran over to him and had her arms tightly wrapped around his midsection. "Please, just get me out of here..." She begged, trembling against him. "No...uh, no hugs." He pealed her off and turned to the door awkwardly. He didn't hear her footsteps behind him, "Well come on!" She suddenly chased after him. He jogged out of the room, down the hall and rounded a corner. When turning the corner he made sure she was still keeping up. Once they got to the elevator he pushed her in. "You're not some rapist or something, right?" She asked calmly. "Dontcha think I would've done that already if I was going to?" He retorted. "Good point." She nodded. "Uhm, I'm not particularly sure how to tell you... but, uh, your arm's about to fall off." He glanced down at his disconnected arm that was bleeding profusely. "Oh, gimme a sec." He shoved the arm back up and into place and hissed at it healing. "So you're a mutant too?" She asked. "No, well, kinda." He chuckled, "Weapon XI." "You're Wade Wilson?" She looked slightly in awe. "You bet it, sweet cheeks." He it his hands on his hips. "Oh. You knew my dad." She returned to normal. "And who's your dad?" He asked. "Remy LaBeau." She stated. {explains the accent.} "Really?" I questioned, "show me something mutanty." "You got a card?" She asked. "Fresh out." He shrugged. "You got anything paper?" She dripped sarcasm. "Uh, note card?" He flipped it out and handed it to her. "That'll do it, cher." She winked. The card flickered a little and she flicked her wrist at him. He felt it hit him in the chest. He looked down. "Where is it?" Wilson looked at her. She grinned, "Look again." He looked back down and saw a bloody spot on his suit right threw his heart. He also saw that she hadn't even turned her head. {Impressive.} 'I guess, for a teen.' {But really, where did it go to?} He groped at his back and felt the note card. He pulled out half then glanced over at her. "Nice, kid." He smirked sticking his fingers in the wound to fish out the last bit of note card. "Thanks," she followed him out of the elevator and outside, "if you don't mind my askin', where are we headed?" "You got a cute little accent y'know," he giggled, {Stop being a pedophile.} 'what? It is cute.' "Oh, and my apartment." "Your apartment?" She asked sort of nervous sounding. "Yeah," he started climbing a ladder on the side of a building, "look, I'm not as creepy-pedo as I seem." "O-okay." She hesitantly followed him up the ladder. After a few building jumps and an alleyway or two they got to his apartment building. "Least it's classy." She remarked sarcastically. "Hey, it works. It's cheap and they don't kick me out for blood smells." He laughed. "Makes since." She followed him into the trashy building and up to the fifth floor via an elevator. "Mi casa es su casa," He kicked open the door and slung it shut, "I figure you want a shower?" "Yes , please," I nodded, "I'm sticky, cold and it smells like copper. Don't really mind that last part but its getting overwhelming." "Kinda surprised no one tried to stop a guy in sexy red spandex and a girl covered in blood." He chucked leading he into his bedroom. "Sexy?" She laughed, "Someone's a little confident." "Well it is sexy isn't it?" He swung his hips with his hands behind his head. "Mega-hot." She grinned sarcastically. "Hey, it's alright, I know you want me." Deadpool nodded confidently, "Okay. Well here it is." He turned it on and awkwardly left. "You got any clothes I could borrow?" She stopped him. "Oh, forgot about that." He turned and wen into his bedroom for a minute or two. "Here." He handed her an AC/DC t-shirt, black sweats (that tied up so she could fit them), a pair of boxers, and a towel. "Thanks, cher." She winked, taking off her glasses. He stood there not sure what he should do. "That's your signal to go, hun." She laughed. "Oh, yeah, sorry." He turned and closed the door behind himself. She analysed the bathroom a bit while the water was getting hot; small, dirty, and bloody. She began peeling off blood-stained clothing and was almost ready to step in when she noticed there was no soap, shampoo or anything by that matter in the stall. "Okay..." She thought. She opened the medicine cabinet and looked; pills, pills, pills, more pills, lube (ew), toothpaste, pain cream, numbing cream, and a bottle of gel soap. "That's a relief. " she mumbled, stepping in. After showering, she dried off and looked through the pile of clothes he brought. She picked up the boxers and slid them on. They almost fell off but whatever. She threw on the t-shirt and attempted to tie the sweats as much as possible. She slid on her glasses and towelled her curly hair. "Ah, fuck." She knew her shoulder-length hair was going to be crazy curly when it dried with the lack of a brush but she'd deal. When she got out, she was greeted with an odd site. Deadpool was sitting on his couch in nothing but black boxer briefs and his mask reading what she would assume was a porn magazine. "Well, hello beautiful." He jumped a little at the sudden noise but returned to reading. "Hey... Uh, what's your name, baby girl?" He asked sitting up now and putting down the magazine. "Bernadette LaBeau," she sat down next to him curling into a comfy ball on his chest, "friends call me Burn though." He awkwardly patted her shoulder, "Okay, Burn, this is a little close." "I'm cold and sleepy..." She nuzzled into his neck and wrapped an arm around his waist. "I'm... hungry and a little horny so no cuddles, baby girl." He pushed her onto the other side of the couch and stood up to walk into the kitchen. "Aw," she got up and reluctantly followed him, "whatcha making?" "Pancakes." He clapped, "s'all I do." "Sounds good," She sat at the little table and messed with a deck of cards sitting there, "what's with the mask?" "Not in the mood to clean up vomit." He responded nonchalantly. "What's that supposed to mean?" "It means, this-" he motioned to his masked face, "usually makes girls puke." "Why?" "See these?" He gestured to his severely scarred body. "Yeah." "My face is worse." "So?" She laughed, "I think they're hot. All... edgy." "Very funny, kid." He returned to the pancakes. "No really they look cool. And I'm not a kid you know. I'm 17." "Well," chuckled, "that's a first." He grabbed the back of the neck of his mask and yanked it off to through it. His face wasn't much worse than the rest of him. The worst part was that it looked like he was once really attractive. His eye sockets were dark which made a large contrast from his pale blue eyes. All the cuts and craters on his skin made him look ...strange but not awful. "I don't know what your deal is." She got up, "you look fine." "Fine?" He plate the pancakes, "Sweetie, if this is your idea of fine you have been hanging with some ugly dudes." "You're not a stud-model but I think you look nice." She remarked honestly, "Your complexion isn't fabulous but you have good bone structure, fascinating eyes, and kissable lips." "Really?" He looked at her in an almost depressingly hopeful way. "Yeah," she answered grabbing a plate, "why would I lie to a guy I barely know?" He snapped out of the sweet face, "I knew I was hot." "Totally." She smirked. "So," she chowed on the pancakes, "What were you doing at the GM building?" "I could ask you the same," he practically inhaled the first pancake, "I was working." "Ah, mercenary." She said, "I forget." "What about you?" "I was there by accident. I'd been talking to Neal McLaughlin for about a week about putting me in his act at the casino. He asked me to show him my routine and he found out I was a mutant. He sent all those guys on me and I just acted out of instinct." "Hmm," he finished up his third pancake and stood up, "that was the guy I was sent to kill." "Ironic." She handed him her plate, "why is it so messy in here?" "Do I look like a house keeper?" "Not particularly," she laughed, " do you like clean stuff?" "Love it," he strode into the living room again and turned in the tv, "just don't love it enough to do it." He plopped in a chair in front of the tv. "You got a blanket?" She asked shivering a little. "Behind the couch." He didn't look away, "Use the red one though." "Tempted to ask why..?" "You don't wanna know." She grabbed the red blanket and wrapped it around herself as she laid down on the couch again. She wanted to ask him a bunch more questions. He was the famous merc with a mouth, Deadpool. He was very relaxedly flopped on his chair watching an old episode of Honey Boo-Boo. "I hate this show." He laughed, standing up. "You don't sit still very long do you?" She wondered out loud. "I'm heading to bed." He sauntered into his bedroom and plopped onto his bed. She sat thinking what her dad might do when she doesn't come home tomorrow like she said she would. She concluded that he wouldn't get that butt-hurt about it knowing that she could easily defend herself. She heard him snoring softly already an she slid off the oversized sweatpants. Even though she was cold she was now more comfortable in the boxers so she stared outside. It was a fairly grimy city. It could be worse but it wasn't the cleanest part of town. She missed New Orleans a little already and pondered getting up to sneak in bed with the very warm body that is Deadpool. After a few minutes of involuntary shivering and no success of trying to sleep she got up and quietly padded into his room. He snored quietly and slept on his back. She wiggled under the cover and laid her head on his chest. She slowly slid a leg over his and squished into his warm torso. Still snoring, he turned on his side and pulled her into his chest with scarred arms wrapped around her. She smiled contently warm and fell off to sleep. A/N: Alright, just incase you were wondering, there isn't gonna be any gross crap in it yet. Maybe some gore, maybe a little tiny bit of smut later but for now pretty clean plot. 


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Burn woke up first. She concluded that he was definitely a snuggler since he was basically bear hugging her. At some point in the night, she had slid her thigh in between his, he had wrapped his arms around her and they had gotten so close together she could feel his heart beating. This calming moment didn't last very long though. She felt him stir little by little until he groaned a question, "Why are you in my bed?" "I was cold and I wanted to snuggle. Good morning, cher." She buried her face into his collar and tried to stay there. Of course he wanted to get up. "C'mon, let me get up." She untangled from him and he rolled out of bed. He stretched fully when he got up, then stumbled into his bathroom. She didn't bother moving from that spot on the bed and just pulled the blankets up to her chin. After a few minutes he emerged in his suit again. "I'm gotta go on patrol for a few hours. Just, uh, well stay here I guess." He began getting all his weapons on. Once he got his calf blade on he noticed her standing right behind him in his boxers and T-shirt. "What? No kiss goodbye, cher?" She giggled. "Very funny, kid." He turned to the window and jumped out. After she found a suitable pair of sweats, she tamed her hair a little, replaced her glasses and searched through her now blood-stained clothing for her cell phone and wallet. She texted her father to inform him of her safety. Burn: Ey pa, I'm good. At a friend house. Be home soon. Dad: Where are you Burn: In town, wit Deadpool. Be home soon. He didn't ever answer her back so she assumed that he was content. She walked into the kitchen in hopes of a drink and some food. Sadly all she found was alcohol and some old pancakes. "He's the most de'pouille man I ever met..." She mumbled. She set out cleaning his kitchen, which she soon realized was more of a chore than she was up to. Although, it was awful, she cleaned the kitchen until it was shining. Glancing at his lack of food or drink she sighed, "I'mma have to make a bill for this man..." She got her wallet and glanced at her funds; around $200. She figured he'd pay her back and if not he did let her stay here. She picked up the deck of cards on his table and through them in her pocket. Once she got out the door, she stopped a woman and child walking past her. "You got a grocery store 'round here?" The woman nodded, "On 3rd street, real nice one." "Yea." She nodded and continued to go outside. As soon as she got outside he saw the sign for 3rd Street. "Least it's close." Burn mumbled to herself as she jogged to the mini-mart. It was clean and of decent size for her to get the essentials. She grabbed a cart and got eggs, milk, bread, rice, okra, tomato sauce, shrimp, onions, bell peppers, some seasonings, and rice. If she was gonna stay at his apartment she was gonna make him some proper gumbo. Not sure if he had a pot big enough for gumbo she got a cheap one too. When she got out side she remembered that she closed and locked the door to his apartment. Like an idiot. "Dammit." Burn turned around and went back in the store and grabbed a pack of paper clips. She picked back up her bags and headed to his apartment. As she approached the building she saw a man pacing the entrance looking nervous. She didn't recognize him and decided that she would get a couple cards in hand to be safe. She walked past him and felt a hand clamp down on her upper arm. "Give me all your money or ill blow your brains out right here." He mumbled. "Look, I don't have much money on me and you don't want me to hurt you, no? Just- go steal from someone with a lotta walking cash, cher." She sighed sitting down her groceries. "Gimme your money, bitch!" "You asked for it." She flicked the card at him cutting off his trigger finger. He shrieked and dropped the gun, wailing in pain. "Have good day, cher." She shook her head as she picked back up her grocery bags and stepped in the elevator. Once she got back up in the room she dug for the bobby pins she bought and started picking the lock. I got in and set all my stuff down, getting my things ready to cook. I chopped up all the fixings, sat the shrimp in the roux pan and boiled the rice. Once it was all ready I mixed everything together in the gumbo pot and covered it. I started kneading the beignet dough, found a two-inch pan, and poured in the oil. I'd made my share of beignets in my time, I'd made enough in my short life to know that Dp would love them. I knew he ate a lot already so made 4 batches of 8. Speaking of him, I don't even know him... Ha. "Lucy! I'm home!" He shouted from the door. I jumped at his sudden shout, "Ah-" I laughed and hit him I'm the arm, "You nearly scared me to death!" "Ha, ooh!" He giggled, "whatcha makin', sweet cheeks?" "Couple batch of beignets, " I showed him under the towel, "and some gumbo for supper." "Look at you, little chef." He poked at my nose, "When's dinner?" "Soon," I laughed, "How was patrol?" "This feels awfully domestic for knowing each other two days now, but! I'm not going to complain, you're feeding me so...cool. Oh- patrol was sooo boring. I only slashed up three people! Three! All time low for me-" He rambled. "Well, that's nice," I interjected, "and what you mean domestic?" "You making me dinner, being all cute in here, and dessert..." He purred the last bit. "Nuh-uh, merc. I don't even know your name." I pretended and spun around to face him. "Oh really now? You don't know the famous Deadpool?" He laughed, wrapping arms around me. I got serious, "Now if your thinkin' I'm going to have sex with a grown man that I jut met yesterday, you've had one to many blows to the head." "I-" I shoved a finger onto his chest, "and if you think I'm some easy little slut you can rape and trash, you'll be piecing yourself back together till the bayou runs dry!" "I don't want to rape you!" He shouted, his scarred face contorting and his normal lopsided grin stretching into a scowl. "I'm just trying to be nice! I don't understand you! Every chick I've ever met loved this kinda shit! What's wrong with you?" I dropped the spoon and pushed past him. "No wait, I-," he tried. I slammed the door on the bathroom and sat on the floor. A/N: hey Victims (you like the pet name? Gettit, I'm the lone assassin an-and you guys are the Victims... No? Well I think it's cool.) so ill update soon as I can, weekly hopefully. Oh, and remember that things might be spelled funny but that's just because she's Cajun ~Love, Your Friendly Neighborhood Assassin~ PS: I made an update to chapter one so reread if you want. 


	4. Chapter

Wades POV

She ran into the bathroom angrily, slamming the door behind herself.

I sighed following behind her, "C'mon, Bernadette, I didn't mean it like that..."

"Shut the fuck up, Wilson." She yelled through the door at me, "your supper's on the stove, eat it and leave me be."

"No. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant..." I huffed again, "I don't understand what's so different about you. You're not easy and you don't want sex but for some reason, you're still here. And I've only known you a day and you're making me dinner? No ones ever been nice enough to feed me. One girl left me some breakfast on her way out one time but that was after a night of mind-blowing-"

"I get it," she interjected, "you sleep with a lot of women."

"No! Well, no. I have to coax them or keep on my mask or turn off all the lights. That's why I don't get you, you saw me without my mask and didn't freak out, you even complemented me, you don't want a quick fuck, and you made me dinner while I was out on patrol. You're... **awesome**."

The other side was silent.

I heard some shuffling then the door opened slowly. She looked up at me.

"That's because I can tell you needed help." She whispered, "you needed real company, that would stay around for a while and care for you."

I leaned down and slid my arms around her shorter frame, "I'm hugging you because I want to now. No sex. I promise."

She pulled back, grinning, "ever?"

"Oh shut up." I laughed, "When do I get some dinner tonight?"

Her eyes widened a bit and she sprinted past me to the kitchen.

"That was close, cher." She chuckled, serving up two plates of gumbo and handing me one.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"What?"

"Share," I wondered, "you keeping calling me share."

"Cher, like mon chèrì," she spooned some food, "like love or darling."

"OH." I felt dumb not realizing that, "duh..."

I ate a bite of the gumbo before I realized how amazing it was and basically scraped the whole plate in my mouth. After seconds, and 7 beignets, I felt full and ready for some completely needed sleep.

"I think I'm going to go to my room and sleep," I stood up, "stay on the couch this time."

"No promises." She nodded.

"Well," I said, "at least keep clear for half an hour."

"Why is that?"

"Big boy stuff, sweetums."

Realization hit her and I couldn't help but giggle.

"Oh _gross_, Wade." She scrunched up her nose and stood up to clean off the table and I left for my room.

A/N: short chapter, I know. I'll make up for it in the next one. Do remember smut will be in here sooner or later so yeah. Right; so Deadpool had feels... Crazy, eh? Couldn't help myself. Oh and if you guys want to have an image of Bernadette, I imagine her like pin/138978338474606036/ this.

~Love, Your Friendly Neighborhood Assassin~


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